Day 4 - Healthy Relationships
Today's topic is Healthy Relationships. It is a very important day. You want to maintain a happy and healthy relationship with your daughter throughout her teenage years. All Mums do and that's the reason you're here. Today is about making that desire your complete focus. Reconnect with this desire and that will give you the motivation to continue with your daily meditations and journaling practices - regardless of how hectic life gets around you.
There's no such thing as not having enough time. If you make something a priority then you make time for it. So make having a fantastic relationship with your daughter well into the future a top priority for yourself - and then doing the work becomes easy!!
Enjoy!!
There's no such thing as not having enough time. If you make something a priority then you make time for it. So make having a fantastic relationship with your daughter well into the future a top priority for yourself - and then doing the work becomes easy!!
Enjoy!!
Journaling Questions
Gratitude.
Write a gratitude list of all of your daughter's strengths and gifts. See if you can turn perceived weaknesses into strengths. e.g. if she is quiet and withdrawn this could be seen as having the strength of sensitivity and awareness.
Visioning.
Write a detailed description of how you would love your relationship with your daughter to be in ten years time. Really get into the feeling of it. Write about the kind of conversations you have, what you do together, how grateful you are to have such a fantastic relationship etc. (Mindfulness is about being 100% in the present moment. When you do a visioning process such as this, you want to experience this future situation as if it IS happening right NOW!! Your brain, body, mind, and emotions do not know the difference and you literally attract what you are imagining into the present.)
Write a gratitude list of all of your daughter's strengths and gifts. See if you can turn perceived weaknesses into strengths. e.g. if she is quiet and withdrawn this could be seen as having the strength of sensitivity and awareness.
Visioning.
Write a detailed description of how you would love your relationship with your daughter to be in ten years time. Really get into the feeling of it. Write about the kind of conversations you have, what you do together, how grateful you are to have such a fantastic relationship etc. (Mindfulness is about being 100% in the present moment. When you do a visioning process such as this, you want to experience this future situation as if it IS happening right NOW!! Your brain, body, mind, and emotions do not know the difference and you literally attract what you are imagining into the present.)
Daily Meditations
These meditations are the most powerful part of the program. Daily practice is KEY!!!
Today I also encourage you to set aside 10 minutes of practicing mindful listening with your daughter. Put down devices. Let her know that you really want to know what's going on for her, that you won't give advice or tell her what to do, but you really want to listen. Practice this like a meditation - when you're mind wanders, come back to breath. So simple, so powerful.
More on Mindful Listening Below.
More on Mindful Listening Below.
Expert Knowledge
Mindful Listening
• The number one key to a healthy relationship with your daughter is being genuinely interested in what she has to say and listening with full presence – mindfulness is the key
• Mindfulness means being present to what is happening in your body, mind and emotions. Mindful listening means being present to what is going on for your daughter in her body, mind, and emotions. Listen not just to her words but to the emotion and energy beneath her words. Feel what she is saying. Paying attention to your breath and physical sensations while listening will ground you in the moment and help you become more sensitive to what is going on for her.
• Your breath is your anchor. Any time you notice your mind wandering – either thinking of something else, what you're going to say next, or a judgement about what she is saying – accept those thoughts, and bring yourself back to your breath.
• Check in with her. If you're not sure what you're sensing from her – ask. For example, “you sound very angry but I get the sense that underneath that you're hurt and sad – would you agree?” or “can you tell me more about how that makes you feel?”
Other tips for building a healthy relationship with your teen daughter…
• Spend one on one time together. Find an activity that you can enjoy together. It might be craft, hiking, cooking, whatever. Go on a trip or retreat together. Schedule this one on one time in to your lives on a regular basis.
Realise you don't have to be her one and only support person. Depending on what issue she is facing the best person to support her may be you, a father figure, peers, or sometimes someone outside of the immediate family
• Acknowledge her strengths and positive qualities – focus on these mentally and outwardly. Encourage her to explore these strengths and discover her passions.
• Share stories with your daughter about what you did when you were her age – (and then really listen to stories of what is going on for her!!)
• Help her solve her own problems rather than giving advice
What to do after a blowout or argument:
• Forgive and accept yourself and her. Let go of any guilt.
• Send love to her and to yourself
• Reflective journal questions e.g. Why did I react so strongly to this particular behaviour? What belief or prior experience did this bring up for me?
• Start every day as a new day. Don’t hold grudges. Decide whether to fully let go or if you need to communicate further when both of you are calm.
• Communicate your feelings and needs and make any requests. Respect and do your best to understand her feelings and needs. Allow her to fully feel how she feels. Refrain from wanting to “fix” things for her or prevent her from experiencing the consequences of any mistakes. Be willing to change.
• Help her to become more aware of what she is feeling and what underlying needs may not be being met.
• Hold to boundaries. Don’t give in just to diffuse tension, this will backfire in the long term.
• Apologise if necessary but if you are simply maintaining boundaries you don’t need to. Instead you can say something like “I’m sorry you feel this way”.
• Don’t force her to apologise. This is not effective unless she really means it.
• Don’t criticise or name call – “you’ll never amount to anything”, “I don’t know why I ever had you” etc. (If you do say something like this in the heat of an argument it definitely deserves an apology)
• Take time out. If you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed you’re more likely to get triggered. Ask for support, get advice and then tune in to your own inner guidance to decide your next move.... more about this tomorrow!!!
• The number one key to a healthy relationship with your daughter is being genuinely interested in what she has to say and listening with full presence – mindfulness is the key
• Mindfulness means being present to what is happening in your body, mind and emotions. Mindful listening means being present to what is going on for your daughter in her body, mind, and emotions. Listen not just to her words but to the emotion and energy beneath her words. Feel what she is saying. Paying attention to your breath and physical sensations while listening will ground you in the moment and help you become more sensitive to what is going on for her.
• Your breath is your anchor. Any time you notice your mind wandering – either thinking of something else, what you're going to say next, or a judgement about what she is saying – accept those thoughts, and bring yourself back to your breath.
• Check in with her. If you're not sure what you're sensing from her – ask. For example, “you sound very angry but I get the sense that underneath that you're hurt and sad – would you agree?” or “can you tell me more about how that makes you feel?”
Other tips for building a healthy relationship with your teen daughter…
• Spend one on one time together. Find an activity that you can enjoy together. It might be craft, hiking, cooking, whatever. Go on a trip or retreat together. Schedule this one on one time in to your lives on a regular basis.
Realise you don't have to be her one and only support person. Depending on what issue she is facing the best person to support her may be you, a father figure, peers, or sometimes someone outside of the immediate family
• Acknowledge her strengths and positive qualities – focus on these mentally and outwardly. Encourage her to explore these strengths and discover her passions.
• Share stories with your daughter about what you did when you were her age – (and then really listen to stories of what is going on for her!!)
• Help her solve her own problems rather than giving advice
What to do after a blowout or argument:
• Forgive and accept yourself and her. Let go of any guilt.
• Send love to her and to yourself
• Reflective journal questions e.g. Why did I react so strongly to this particular behaviour? What belief or prior experience did this bring up for me?
• Start every day as a new day. Don’t hold grudges. Decide whether to fully let go or if you need to communicate further when both of you are calm.
• Communicate your feelings and needs and make any requests. Respect and do your best to understand her feelings and needs. Allow her to fully feel how she feels. Refrain from wanting to “fix” things for her or prevent her from experiencing the consequences of any mistakes. Be willing to change.
• Help her to become more aware of what she is feeling and what underlying needs may not be being met.
• Hold to boundaries. Don’t give in just to diffuse tension, this will backfire in the long term.
• Apologise if necessary but if you are simply maintaining boundaries you don’t need to. Instead you can say something like “I’m sorry you feel this way”.
• Don’t force her to apologise. This is not effective unless she really means it.
• Don’t criticise or name call – “you’ll never amount to anything”, “I don’t know why I ever had you” etc. (If you do say something like this in the heat of an argument it definitely deserves an apology)
• Take time out. If you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed you’re more likely to get triggered. Ask for support, get advice and then tune in to your own inner guidance to decide your next move.... more about this tomorrow!!!
Until tomorrow... Jaclyn... xx
