Have you ever felt like things have been going amazingly and then bam - everything goes to smash?
I’m guessing yes. Since this is a typical pattern. Things are going well, for example in your relationship with you daughter and then - something to criticise, something to worry about, or a fight breaks out.
This is totally normal, and totally changeable.
I’ve done the same thing in my relationships -beautiful connection and a great time and then – a fight!
Why? Because we have an internal upper limit – we can only cope with so much joy before we sabotage ourselves and bring ourselves down to where we are comfortable.
So how is this changeable? Firstly, you need to recognise how you sabotage yourself. Criticism, worry, and squabbling are common methods. Then you need to expand your capacity for joy, abundance and success.
So it goes like this. I’m having a great time. I just moved into a beautiful new home (yep – 2 minutes walk from this epic beach).
I’m happy and grateful. And then, drumroll, I start worrying about being able to afford it. OK, so sometimes worry is helpful – when there’s actually something you can do about it. But mostly worry is simply limiting your capacity for joy.
And then I’m engaged in work I love organising this amazing Mother Daughter Rite of Passage Retreat with a group of incredible women, and then I find something to criticise in myself, or in one of them, or I have this desire to start a fight about something.
This is never productive.
But that’s where understanding the ‘Upper Limit Problem’ is so helpful. As soon as I become aware of one of these habits I check in with what’s really happening. What’s going well that I’m attempting to sabotage?
Instead of worrying about money I can expand my experience of abundance – I really have so much.
Instead of criticising I can expand my feeling of love and appreciation for the amazing women in my life.
Instead of wasting energy and time squabbling about insignificant issues I can channel that energy into the creative process.
Deflecting is another way you can sabotage your success. Have you ever been given a compliment and then replied with something like, “Oh, it was nothing”, “oh goodness, but I messed up so much, it could have been so much better”.
Yep, me too. This is the most insidious way I sabotage my success. I sometimes hardly notice that I’ve done it. But I’m practicing receiving compliments and praise for my work.
Another part of this is how you view your own success. Do you focus mostly on what’s gone wrong - on your mistakes and failures? Do you overlook all of your achievements and successes? This goes hand in hand with criticising.
Let go of criticism and receive praise. What you focus on expands. So focus on what you’re brilliant at.
In my work with teens I could focus on the times I’ve been impatient and cranky with students. I could criticise myself for not putting as much dedication and passion into my teaching work as I think it deserves.
When other teachers, head teachers, and the staff who call me in for work tell me I’m great at my job, give me heaps of work, and request me specifically to cover their classes when they’re away… there’s part of me that feels like a fraud, that they’ve made some kind of mistake, if only they knew the truth… that I’m really not enough, that somewhere at my core I’m flawed, that I’m really not at all what they see in me.
This is deflection. Pure sabotage.
So instead of deflecting I can expand my experience of success. I can accept that yes I make mistakes, but I can focus on what I’ve done well. The great connection I have with teens, the relationships that I do build, the support that I offer, and the satisfaction that this gives me. I can remember the sacred conversations I’ve had, the trust they have had in me, and I can give myself credit for what I’ve learnt in the process.
When I tell you that you’re an amazing Mum, that the fact that you read these blogs shows that you care about your daughter. What’s your first reaction? To deny your amazingness, to remember only the fights you’ve had and the mistakes you’ve made, or to focus on what you have done as a Mum that’s been wonderful, on the great lessons that you’ve taught her so far.
If you'd like to come along to a transformational retreat experience with your daughter and receive support for this new phase of parenting a teenager... click here to find out more about Radiant Woman: A Mother Daughter Rite of Passage Retreat.